gotta have some faith in the sound....

While jammin out to my ipod I listened on my walk to George Michael's "Freedom". I love this song i always have. I remember clearly the video on MTV with all of these gorgeous supermodels lipsynching the song. But there's one line in particular that got me to write this blog: "Have some faith in the sound, it's the one good thing that I've got."

I have always sang since I can remember. My first solo was in kindergarten. I got the pleasure of singing "This land is my land this land is your land..." ...to be honest, that is all of the lyrics I can remember.... But I do remember singing it with all my at all of 6 years old and feeling so special that I got a moment to blurt the tune out. I sang it with another boy and to this day I cannot remember his name. I have one picture from that day, and it is dear to my heart.

There was just something about music that resonated with me that I couldn't describe. It was an outlet to a sense of freedom that I had never experienced before. Even at such a young age, I had found something that was special and different and something that would change my life.

Most musicians will admit that there are certain moments when the soul or self will get get lost in the sense of time and space when performing, it is a notion that is driven by a deep passion. A sense of oneness where everything is at it should be. That is why they are performers , that is why they are musicians.

Ever since that moment in kindergarten i have had music in my life. I started with the recorder in third grade ( honestly it was required that third graders toot on a recorder so not neccessarliy my own initiation), followed by the clarinet . I loved the sound the sound of the wood instrument, even if the reed got all sticky with my saliva. Then I tired of the clarinet and went for a string instrument. Looking back I wish i would have chosen the guitar but instead I woke an hour early before the rest of the school to practice on a viola. I really wanted the viola and me to work out but then 7th grade came along and the chance to audition for choir had arrived.

I dropped everything and anything I was involved in to be in choir. Besides, it was "cooler" to be in choir than be a band member, so in order to preserve my reputation, I joined the 7th grade choir. However in hindsight, let it be known that band kids are cool and amazing and have incredible talent and determination to follow their dreams. I think it should be the opposite, the cool kids should all be in band.

My mom always did her best to support me in my passion. She provided me with voice lessons through my early high school days , even though I know very well she couldn't afford them.

I continued in high school , landed the role of "Laurie" in the musical "Oklahoma" my senior year. I even continued through my first year of college as a music major.

It was extremely intense my first year as a freshman in college, taking 12 out of 14 credits strictly in music analysis, voice lessons, transposing music, piano etc....It was too much and I decided to drop out of the major. But before I did, I went on to audition for the top choir of the University, and to my surprise made it. Of the four sopranos, I was one of them.

I took that as a sign to stay with it and stayed on for another semester as music major. Eventually my knack to party it up and meet new friends and the overall intensity of the program made me realize that maybe I wasn't meant to be a choral director. Afterall i was 19, I really didn't know what I wanted.

But I vowed to never let my undying love for music fail and to always keep it as a hobby. When I moved to San Diego, that is one of the first things I did. I divulged myself into coffee houses and made amazing friends who share that same passion , and eventually I found a community choir to join her in SD.

I love being in choir. The goal of any good choir is to make a group of voices sound as one. You listen to the person next to you and fluctuate your sound in order to create a common ground. Your voices should be one. This pertains especially in your vibrato. You learn to tone down vibrato and make a "straighter" tone in order to create that oneness. I am sometimes quite cortical of choirs because sometimes there is that one person who chooses to stick out. They may have an amazing sound, but in the scope of singing with others on the same level, it is not the intention of a choir.

* on that note, i remember in highschool at a choir festival there was one choir who held hands during their performance. It united them so microscopically that they even breathed in silently synch. I thought it was a great idea and a beautiful interpretation of music

Lately i have had a yearning to step out of being blended with one voice and find my own voice again. I have always been afraid to sing in front of others. My vibrato goes crazy when Im nervous, and i sound like I am hooked on to one of those "fatbelts" that came out in the 70's that promised to make you lose weight if you stood and let it shake you around.

I also get emotional when I sing in font of others for some reason. I now think it may be because I surprised myself from what comes out of me, but sometimes in a close audience its hard to see everyone looking at you. When I performed for my highschool musicals, it was not such a big deal because I could never really clearly see anyones face disicntively.

When I was 15 I had a recital ( from my voice lessons we couldn't afford) and I had worked so hard for months on my arias. I was performing songs from "Phantom Of The Opera." I had prepared "Think of Me" , and other arias. I had practiced diligently with my coach and everyday with Sarah Brightman on my stereo. I was ready for the show.

My mom bought my a dress and I was ready to perform. Yet when I saw in the crowd all of the family and friends who had come to see me, I was so moved i barely uttered the right notes. I'm sure it was partly nerves but I was so touched in that moment that my intention to give a great performance tumbled to the ground. I was humbled and couldn't get the notes out. I was left in my teal and black dress mortified because I had done it hundred times over way better, and me amy mom, and voice coach were the only ones that knew it.

Which brings me to today. I had vowed earlier this year to try to feel more confident about the sound(s) I can make. And taking it further, I told Cammille whom is coordinating "The Relay For Life" entertainment with me, that I would sing the National Anthem to kick the event off. I sort of volunteered myself without really thinking about my hesitations and history. But Im glad i did. I think it is about time I simply share what God gave me. Im no superstar , nor do I want to be. I would be happy just having a little singing family that sings carols together at Christmas time and a household full of music and love.


Which now brings me to this:
Whatever passion you have , it lives in you. Trying to turn it off is like trying to catch a star in a jar. It really is no good to try. So embrace it. Find your voice. it may be in charity, it may be in your job, it may be how you act as a parent , sister, daughter, son, it may be as simple as the way you say hi to a stranger in passing. It IS there, all you need to do is recognize its calling. For it is already yours, it just needs to be claimed. I am trying to do that now. I will have some faith in the sound. Afterall, blind faith is the best kind.